I came accross the following statement on Deborah Day Poors website tonight

“Pleasers have good hearts.

They are willing to give much, and all they want in return is for everyone to be nice. However, their best attempts to please and create peace backfire. They end up leading chaotic, hectic, hellish lives.”

It’s hard to find a truer word said.

In fact, I was at a Tony Robbins event, “Date With Destiny (DWD)” on the Gold Coast last month, and this concept of being a “Pleaser” was central to many peoples problems. One guy had it so bad he affectionately became known as “Pussy Boy”

I certainly have spent much of my life as a “Pleaser”, trying to keep everyone happy. The problem is although this is done with good intention, as your life gets bigger and more complex it becomes more and more difficult to keep anyone happy, and especially yourself.

Anyway, I have been very lucky, not only have I been able to attend events like DWD, but I also received one of my greatest learnings from the Fire Service. That is that safety is an inside out responsibility

me > my partner > the team > the public > the patient

And so through these experiences I have discovered that what applies in business, “that you can’t be all things to all people”, is equally true in life … you must first be the best, and happiest version of ‘you’ that you can. From there you will be in the strongest position to serve and only then will life be full of passion.

Please don’t get me wrong, I am not talking about being selfish or purely self serving, I am just talking about balance. Life is always more satisfying when you focus on what’s outside of you, but you must also learn to look after yourself along the way. Learn to say no!

I’ve not read the following book, but I’d suggest it’s a great concept and an important issue. I have never met Deborah, and don’t get any remuneration for this suggestion so please take this suggestion as being heart felt and I trust you will enjoy.

Her book is called “Peace at Any Price: How to Overcome the Please Disease”.

Let me know what you think by leaving a comment below … If you’re in a hurry maybe you could “retweet” me so people on twitter get this message too. Thank you.

With great sadness we have said goodbye to two family members over the past few weeks.

The first farewell was to to my Auntie Rita, who passed away after a long but brave battle with cancer. She is actually my Mum’s Auntie, but always felt like a Grandmother to me. A beautiful woman that everyone loved from the moment they met her.

My first memory of Rita is when, as kids, we visited her family in Wellington. She made us “Spiders”, a messy mix of Coke and Vanilla ice cream … and instantly became my hero.

My last memory of Rita is of a woman, her body failing her, surrounded by a family loving and adoring her. Not alone for even a minute, because that’s not how you send off someone you love. We all struggle at these moments, but somehow these times bring out stories forgotten and families come together in one unit of strength and compassion.

My enduring memory will be of a woman who dedicated herself to her family. She had a huge heart and always made you feel like the center of her universe. A wicked sense of humor made every visit a joy.

At her funeral I grinned quietly to myself, imagining her in heaven having a cup of tea with Nana and Grandad. At some point in the conversation Nana would ask her, “Did Stephen have the talk with you?” … “Of course,” she would say. :-)

Over my life I’ve had the honor of being with a lot of people in their final hours. What I have observed is that it’s so hard for families to let go. I believe it causes stress for the person leaving.

My message to them is simple. “You go when you’re ready … we love you and don’t want to say goodbye … but don’t worry, we’ll be ok … and of course we’ll see you again soon.”

The other family member we said goodbye to was our cat Millie, she left us yesterday. Now I know some people think to describe a pet as a family member is odd, maybe even offensive, but we have loved her for almost 19 years. She is family to me.

She has been there for almost half my life, through thick and thin … God, I swear sometimes she got in the way of Sonya and I separating as we couldn’t get past ‘who got the cat’.

Like Rita’s passing, Millie’s end brought back so many memories …

Like the time Sonya thought it would be funny to pick me up from work with Millie, then a kitten, sitting on the seat next to her. I thought it was lovely too – until she vomited … Sonya thought it was hilarious but I was covered from head to toe. Millie never traveled well.

She was the “hot cat!” Time and again people would get lulled into a false sense of security when patting her. We always suggested they stop … violence was just around the corner … Nine times out of ten they would continue with a smile and a flippant reply of, ”Don’t worry … I’m a cat person”.

She must have hated that comment because you could guarantee that moments later, the said cat person would be rushing around the room trying to shake the hot, savage cat from their arm. Funny how people have to learn for themselves … lots of people had her love etched into their arms.

Despite being our hot cat she was also one of the most affectionate animals I have ever known. Every time you came home, there she would be waiting for you on the driveway. I loved that. My kids I had to track down, but not Millie, she was my beautiful girl. I will miss that, I will miss her.

Goodbye Rita, Goodbye Millie … we love you both and will miss you until we next see you. Of course you live on in our memories which I hope you understand is the ultimate demonstration of our love for you … xxx

Imagine if there was something that, if you did it consistently, would improve all relationships completely. Wouldn’t that be amazing? I don’t want to overstate it, but I think the concept of the “Umbrella of Rapport”, might just be that powerful, so please enjoy.

Today I came across some notes from an internal presentation that I did for our sales people last year on how they might improve their relationships, in this case with our clients. Part of it included this powerful idea. I don’t take credit for it, I first heard it from Tony Robbins, but I have added my own thoughts below.

In my opinion the price of entry in business today, includes a number of things without which you won’t even be considered.

These are:

- Being professional
- Being trustworthy and reliable
- Being educated
- Working hard
- Having a plan for success

To stand out you need to do even more, which is where rapport comes in.

SO WHAT IS THE UMBRELLA OF RAPPORT?

Essentially it’s the idea that you must base all your interactions around the idea of building and maintaining rapport … If you do, life is good, if you don’t you get wet.

Imagine for a moment that you aren’t in a negotiation, but you are the gentleman above walking with his partner. For both of you to share this umbrella he must assume the responsibility of keeping both of them dry, not just himself. Life is generally the same, in that we must all take responsibility for the rapport we have with others, and not take it for granted, because as soon as it’s broken relationships become strained.

So let’s look at this example from a few different perspectives. What if …

- One is party is small and the other big? Suddenly we have different needs, these needs must be honored.

- One person is walking fast while other wants to go slow or stop all the time. We all know that this can be really frustrating, but if it’s a fact we must allow for it: otherwise this is a guaranteed way for one of you to be wet and pissed off.

- Whose responsibility is it to maintain rapport, who is in control? The person holding the umbrella (running the negotiation) or the other person. The truth is we both need to take care.

- What if you must break rapport? Maybe the man decides he must run for the car. Maybe in life everyone’s needs can’t be met, or a difficult message needs to be delivered. Is breaking rapport justified and how might it be recovered?

- Who sets direction?

- Who must be the most careful?

Image how your marriage might be if your first goal was to love and honor that person, to build and maintain rapport before trying to meet your own needs. You would suddenly see that we travel at different speeds, have different needs, and both must work at communication.

Image if you “loved” your customers, or should I say treated them with love, making rapport the central goal first, before the sale? What would those relationships be like, what would being at work be like?

Sadly I think most of us are fairly careless when it comes to the rapport we have with others, myself included at times. We are successful often due to good luck rather than good management, and that’s what makes this concept so powerful.

If you dare to be different, if you dare to throw your heart into your relationships first, you stand out as a shinning light in comparison to everyone who’s just going through the motions.

Further Reading
Rapport in education
Rapport in sales
In dating … Please forgive me for this example :-)
Rapport with your coffee

I hope you enjoyed this, I’d love to hear your own stories and what you think, how about sharing below?

Following on the theme of film making, here is a short film released at the Cannes 2008 Film Festival. A beautiful story of a blind man and his sign.

Sometimes, someone just has to help us to see …

Hat tip to The Pirate’s Dilemma

It’s Sunday so I am having a day off with the family. By the time you read this we are probably enjoying Brunch with Mum, Dad and my sister Adrienne.

So please enjoy these images and the video below. Click on the images to go to there original websites.

SPEAKING OF LOVE AGAIN : The other day I wrote about how my wife knows I love her: because I turn her light off. Literally thousands of people have read that post since then, and the general theme is, the women go, Ohhh and the guys go, Dude sssshhh. :-)

I have received so much direct comment, I thought I would share how such a strange thing came about.

The simple answer is :

I have literally loved this woman since the moment we met.

We were individually told that we would be perfect for each other, and, as we thought that was ridiculous, we each spent the next few months avoiding each other and fighting the “setups”. Anyway one day, not knowing who she was, I saw her walk across the room at a party and all I could say to myself was “WOW”.

She was beautiful. She had this fluid movement when she walked, and I was transfixed … the search for me was all over from our first conversation.

She was confident, clever, funny, and I was in love, literally from that night … In fact I evidently told her niece this when I picked Sonya up for our second or third date. That was in December and we were engaged in February.

If our meeting felt like a fairy tale, our relationship at times, however, has been a bit more of a challenge. She has lost both her parents … Her brother took his life a week or so after our wedding … She left her family when we moved to New Zealand so that I could follow my dreams … and I can be difficult to be with. I get engrossed in things, especially work and can get distracted for months on end… Sadly, at times, despite her loving and strong spirit, life is hard and I only ever want her to be happy … To borrow a saying from my uncle … “She’s my girl”

I guess this is summed up in the saying “Love is a condition where another person’s happiness is essential to your own.”

It’s been over 18 years now, and we’ve always been in love. I guess like all relationships there have been ebbs and flows as we’ve grown apart and then back together again … She has cared for me and dedicated her life to me and my family.

So it’s actually very simple …

If I love her so much, and she has done so much for me … waking up, getting out of bed each night and turning her light off seems the very least I can do to make her happy and to say “I love you”

SPEAKING OF LOVE: We were out to dinner the other evening and the conversation turned to relationships, and more specifically how many people don’t know how their partner ‘needs’ love expressed to them.

It seems a lot of people our age are having relationship issues, breaking up etcetera, and a debate developed as to whether people ‘weren’t loving the other person’, or maybe, ‘weren’t loving their partner the way that person needed to be loved.’

Is there a difference, and should it matter? I’m pretty clear on this, but that’s another story.

Anyway, knock me over with a feather, my wife Sonya says …

“I know Stephen loves me because he turns my bedside light off every night!”

Someone asks, “You mean as he comes to bed?” … She replies, “No, he gets out of bed and comes over and does it, even though I can reach the switch.”

Of course I’m feeling a bit stupid now as the guys are looking at me sideways.

She continues … “It’s even better when I wake him up to do it.” I say, “Yeah but I grumble like crazy when that happens.” But as Sonya points out, “I do it anyway.”

The guys now are now totally dumbfounded, and probably pissed off at our putting such crazy ideas in their wives’ heads.

But isn’t it amazing? I thought buying flowers, making her breakfast in bed, saying “I love you”, even vacuuming would be the answer …

But no …

My wife knows I love her because I turn her light off …

Amazing!

PS If this isn’t enough relationship advice, this blog post was inspired by one on Digg that said, “Boobs Are Not Squeeze Toys”. Probably more what the guys that night were expecting to hear … But hey, the truth is…

“It’s all about the light”

I love my wife: she is brilliant, a beautiful and most incredible person … She is however a moving freak … Where some guys might drink beer, watch sports or play video games for fun she likes to rearrange the house.

That isn’t me in the photo but it’s how I feel when any sentence starts with “This weekend I want to …” because I know the next word will be “rearrange”.

If she really wants to do something, and I am resisting, that just adds to the challenge, and she recruits her partners in crime, Brenda and the kids.

It got so bad that one day when she went away I rearranged the house just to get her back. Ha ha – if you want to see a housekeeper having kittens that is the way … Didn’t work though: on her return Sonya just laughed and made me put everything back.

So earlier in the week when she said she wanted to move the kids’ rooms, you know I was just overjoyed with excitement.

Anyway my real frustration is … and as hard as it is to admit, she is always right … a change is as good as a holiday, and the result is wonderful. It could be worse: her friend moves house more often than guys buy new underwear.

So after two days we have moved the girls, set up a new office and TV room, and rearranged the lounge so we can better enjoy the view. We even removed the TVs from the girls’ rooms (that was never a good idea) and the house is brilliant.

She must be wearing off on me … I guess love does that to you … It really was lots of fun and the result is so cool.

LOL We should be ok for another couple of weeks.

I was walking my dog today, as I do every morning, and walked past a woman whom I’ve said hello to virtually every morning for a year. As I got close I looked at her and smiled as I said hello, but she kept walking as if I didn’t exist.

As usual, I wondered, has something happened to make her so distant or is she just practicing a learned but rude habit? You need to understand we live in a semi rural area and almost everyone says hello.

Today I remembered “That Woman at Grand Central Station”

About two years ago, while visiting New York, I was sitting having lunch at one of the two-person tables in the food hall at Grand Central Station. At the table next to me was an attractive woman, and I was a little lost, so I said hello, hoping to get directions … Nothing … “Excuse me, can I ask for some help?” … Nothing.

I am sure I must be a pain in the butt some days, as I wasn’t going give in that easy … I was on a mission. Making eye contact and with my best puppy dog face … “Hi, I’m from New Zealand and I’m lost. Can you help?”

Finally she gave in and said sure. The funny thing was, this initial “Ice Maiden” suddenly was deep in conversation, and really friendly. We talked over sandwiches and I asked how long she had been in Manhattan? (Three years) … Any family? (No) … Boy Friend? (No). Her next comment knocked me over:

It’s so hard to meet people in New York

Honestly, all I could do was laugh. She lives in a city with four times as many people as my whole country and she finds it hard … I smiled and asked cheekily, “Maybe if you replied when people said hello that might help.” She blushed and agreed.

I always wonder why so many woman do that … I mean ignore men when they are just being friendly. Is it because hello might lead to being hit on? A request for a phone number or a date? I guess sometimes it will. The funny thing is, she wants a partner, so allowing people to connect might have its advantages.

But when I walk my dog in the morning … It’s just hello.

LOL Ok Woo Woo moment coming up … :-)

“Choose to be Optomistic” – Dali Lama

I’ve been given two wonderful gifts in the last few years, one being an understanding of the power of truth and the other the power of gratitude.

I have to say I’m a long way from perfect, and that it was a lot easier to hear about these than it was to take advantage of them, but I can attest to the confidence they bring you.

TRUTH: There is incredible power and strength in the truth, but sadly more and more society justifies “white lies” as part of life, but think about this…

Those who think it is permissible to tell white lies soon grow color-blind.

~ Austin O’Mally

The Five Levels of Truth-Telling:
First, you tell the truth to yourself about yourself.
Then you tell the truth to yourself about another.
At the third level, you tell the truth about yourself to another.
Then you tell your truth about another to that other.
And finally, you tell the truth to everyone about everything.

~ Neale Donald Walsch Conversations with God (Book 2)

Gratitude: So many people focus on what they don’t have rather than what they do, but unfortunately the result is a feeling of weakness.

Focus on what you already have and what you are grateful for and you will realize that you already have all that you need … From here you will feel powerful, and make good decisions.

I have a friend who has arguably lost a lot this week. I hope that she chooses to focus on the fact that she now gets to live away from the lies people have perpetuated around her, and that her life is still full of wonderful things.

It is my desire that she focuses on what she has, and not what she has lost. We love her deeply!