I was walking my dog today, as I do every morning, and walked past a woman whom I’ve said hello to virtually every morning for a year. As I got close I looked at her and smiled as I said hello, but she kept walking as if I didn’t exist.
As usual, I wondered, has something happened to make her so distant or is she just practicing a learned but rude habit? You need to understand we live in a semi rural area and almost everyone says hello.
Today I remembered “That Woman at Grand Central Station”
About two years ago, while visiting New York, I was sitting having lunch at one of the two-person tables in the food hall at Grand Central Station. At the table next to me was an attractive woman, and I was a little lost, so I said hello, hoping to get directions … Nothing … “Excuse me, can I ask for some help?” … Nothing.
I am sure I must be a pain in the butt some days, as I wasn’t going give in that easy … I was on a mission. Making eye contact and with my best puppy dog face … “Hi, I’m from New Zealand and I’m lost. Can you help?”
Finally she gave in and said sure. The funny thing was, this initial “Ice Maiden” suddenly was deep in conversation, and really friendly. We talked over sandwiches and I asked how long she had been in Manhattan? (Three years) … Any family? (No) … Boy Friend? (No). Her next comment knocked me over:
It’s so hard to meet people in New York
Honestly, all I could do was laugh. She lives in a city with four times as many people as my whole country and she finds it hard … I smiled and asked cheekily, “Maybe if you replied when people said hello that might help.” She blushed and agreed.
I always wonder why so many woman do that … I mean ignore men when they are just being friendly. Is it because hello might lead to being hit on? A request for a phone number or a date? I guess sometimes it will. The funny thing is, she wants a partner, so allowing people to connect might have its advantages.
But when I walk my dog in the morning … It’s just hello.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Well,
I can understand both of you. I am an native New Yorker and a woman. You innocently greet or strike up a conversation with someone on the streets of NY and they are first in such a hurry.Then wonder if you want to mug them.
With a woman – we have our guide up at all times. We aren’t anti social or rude but try to avoid the usual pick up lines men often use even on the streets. Some women aren’t going to feel it is up to them. Too shy maybe.
See you did get her to honestly open up to you. When she said it is so hard to meet people there. She may not be as forward to ask you for coffee.
Thanks Bunny.
I was actually really nervous with this article because I don’t want to cause any disrespect to woman, so thank you for our response.
One of the few places in the world I would love to live other than where I do is New York, I love it, but it’s about as big a contrast as possible. And I even find myself with drawing somewhat, avoiding eye contact and focusing on the music on my iPhone. I guess it’s a personal space issue, a kind of protection with there being so many people around and close to you.
Sadly though this isn’t a New York problem. I understand people need to protect themselves, but 99% of people aren’t muggers, rapists and con artists so somehow we have to find a way to live openly in spite of the few that are.
People need love and connection to be happy … My saying hello is just a little bit of connection.
PS Love your blog BTW
@Bunny – I find it a hard pill to swallow to suggest women are incapable of differentiating between a pickup line and a friendly / lost foreigner’s attempt at getting some help. ( an accent from Stephen’s part of the world is fairly recognizable )
I hope that in any part of the world a simple hello isn’t ignored…
my 0.02$
p.s. I’ve been to NY many times and found people there to be just as personable as most places. (and If you ask they are always keen to point to the nearest good pizza joint)
Hey Stephen, Great topic. I found myself on a flight today from LAX to Austin. The guy next to me never made eye contact. Personal computers and ipods are great for that purpose. However he was also sitting behind me on the shuttle to my hotel.
He opened with “You’ve been following me from LAX”. I said no I started my trip in New Zealand. Then the conversation flowed to how he’d met three NZers in the last three days (he nearly missed me) and gave me a written list of all sorts of interesting things to do in Austin. I think basically we all have approach anxiety (shyness) but once that is dealt with people are basically interested in talking to strangers. YLM
I’m late 20s, and live in a metropolitan area. If I’m in a crowded area, and a man approaches me unnecessarily, I assume “Sales man.” If it’s not so crowded, I assume “rapist.”
I used to think it was just cynicism, but the violent people I work with, make me a little more aware that ordinary-looking people are capable of extraordinary anger, hatred and aggression.
I can suspend my judgment of them as people, but I think it’s sensible to be cautious.
Thanks Amy,
I appreciate the concerns, sad though.
I wonder what’s worse for society though … the odd person getting hurt because they risked living openly … or the guaranteed cost of living an unnecessarily closed life trying to protect oneself.
Not saying that’s what you are doing … but I do know people who spend most of there life hiding, just in case.
Thanks again, and I really appreciate the contribution.
Good luck
There's a different between being out and about exploring the world. And doing your usual busy business.
If I'm heading to a meeting in Paris, I don't have time to talk to people. I'm in my own world, preparing for the meeting, mentally already there, considering all the thousands of tasks or ideas or thoughts I'm having in that moment.
When I'm out travelling I've slowed down. I'm exploring the world, want to experience things outside of myself, meet people, try new things and so on.
Perhaps most of the time when people avoid contact it's simply because they're not in the mood for conversation with a stranger. It's so hard (at least it is for me) to strike up a conversation with some stranger that's meaningful, even if you have time for it.
The bigger a city we live in, the more busy and focused on our own lives we seem to become.
And then putting up a shied and barrier between ourselves and the rest of the world becomes a habit. It's so much easier to do when we're stressed, perhaps feeling tired because of daily life, worn out, pre-occupied, missing a loved one or what it could be.
I also guess it becomes a matter of control. We want to control our own lives, when we do what. When to answer the phone, when to talk to people, when to eat and sleep, when to do this and that. And perhaps even more so when we have to go to work and have to deal with responsibilities during most our time.
Yes, it is sad that people are so withdrawn and we speak so little to our neighbours and people passing through our lives. We miss out on valuable things. But I can understand it fully.
For a woman there's the fear of the intent of this guy approaching us. What does he want? Sell us stuff, beg, rob us, assault us, date us or what. And then we need to spend time and energy rejecting this person and what he wants from us. And often a no isn't accepted as a no. If you tell a salesman “No, I'm not interested” He'll keep on pushing. If a guy tries to pick you up for a date and you say “No, I'm not interested” He'll keep on trying. The same is true for beggars and most others imposing themselves on our personal spaces.
It is easiest just to pretend we don't hear or see anything when we're not interested in engaging with another person for whatever reason that might be – business, sadness, fear, tiredness, shyness, etc.